Dr. Leahcim Semaj
Psychologist | Author | Quantum Transformation Facilitator
The Semaj MindSpa — Where Mind, Spirit, and Science Meet
Love Based on The Essence of Who You Are —
Or the Image That You Present?**
There is a quiet tension in modern relationships.
We say we want to be loved for who we are.
But we often fall in love with what is presented.
And those are not always the same thing.
Image attracts.
Essence sustains.
The tragedy is not that we curate an image — we all do.
The tragedy is when the image becomes the relationship.
And the essence never gets met.
What Makes Up “Essence”?
Essence is not your résumé.
It is not your wardrobe.
It is not your curated Instagram presence.
Essence is:
• Your values under pressure
• Your emotional regulation under stress
• Your attachment style in conflict
• Your moral compass when no one is watching
• Your capacity for empathy
• Your spiritual orientation
• Your relationship to truth
Essence is the pattern beneath performance.
It is the “who” that remains when the applause stops.
And it is far more stable than the image — though not completely fixed.
How Deep — How Malleable?
Essence forms early.
It is shaped by:
• Childhood attachment
• Trauma and repair
• Cultural conditioning
• Spiritual grounding
• Repeated decisions over time
Essence can grow.
It can mature.
It can refine.
But it does not change quickly — and it does not change because someone falls in love with us.
Image, on the other hand, can change overnight.
New wardrobe.
New vocabulary.
New persona.
New social circle.
But without inner integration, that change is cosmetic.
How Is Image Curated and Created?
Image is constructed through:
• Style
• Language
• Social media presence
• Body aesthetics
• Professional positioning
• Emotional presentation
• Selective storytelling
Image is strategic.
Sometimes consciously.
Often unconsciously.
We present strength to hide fear.
Success to hide insecurity.
Sexual confidence to hide abandonment wounds.
Spirituality to hide control.
Image is not evil.
It is adaptive.
But it is rarely complete.
How Sustainable Is Image-Based Love?
Image-based love is exciting.
It is high dopamine.
High projection.
High fantasy.
But it is fragile.
When the image cracks:
• During financial strain
• During illness
• During aging
• During conflict
• During loss
If essence was never known — panic sets in.
This is why some marriages collapse after 10, 20, 30 years.
They were sustained by roles — not by reality.
Differentiating Essence from Image
(When Getting to Know Someone)
Here is the deeper psychological work.
Do not only observe how they perform when things are smooth.
Observe:
• How do they respond to frustration?
• Do they take responsibility?
• Do they listen — or defend?
• Do they repair after conflict?
• Are their stories consistent over time?
• Do they treat service staff with respect?
• Do they speak about former partners with accountability or blame?
• Do their actions match their stated values?
Time exposes essence.
Pressure reveals it.
Repetition confirms it.
Image performs.
Essence patterns.
Do You Know Your Essence?
This may be the more uncomfortable question.
Many people do not know their essence because they have been performing for approval since childhood.
Ask yourself:
• Who am I when I am not trying to impress?
• What do I consistently choose under stress?
• What wounds drive my behavior?
• What virtues anchor me?
• What do I fear losing most?
Essence requires self-honesty.
And self-honesty requires emotional courage.
Are You Conscious of the Image You Present?
You are presenting something.
Everyone is. Irwin Goffman reminded us that we all have ‘on stage’ and ‘back stage’ personas. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Presentation_of_Self_in_Everyday_Life
The question is whether the image is aligned with your essence — or compensating for it.
When image and essence are aligned:
Confidence feels grounded.
Presence feels calm.
Love feels steady.
When they are misaligned:
Relationships feel exhausting.
You feel misunderstood.
You feel unseen — even when admired.
Because admiration of your image is not the same as love for your essence.
Guidelines for Building a Lasting Relationship
- Lead With Truth, Not Performance
Vulnerability early prevents collapse later. - Test for Congruence
Do their behaviors align with their values — consistently? - Slow Down the Fantasy
Projection is powerful in early love. Reality is revealed in seasons. - Allow Imperfection to Surface
A person who can show flaws safely is operating from essence. - Discuss Core Drivers Early
Money. Sex. Faith. Family. Aging. Ambition. Conflict style. - Watch How They Handle Power
Power over you. Power under stress. Power in public. - Choose Character Over Charisma
Charisma attracts crowds. Character builds homes. - Revisit Alignment Over Time
Essence matures. Growth must be shared.
Anchor Leg Reflection (50+)
In the later decades of life, the distinction becomes sharper.
At 25, image dazzles.
At 55, essence sustains.
The Anchor Leg is not about being impressive.
It is about being integrated.
At this stage, ask yourself:
Am I finally known?
Or am I still performing?
MindSpa Reflection Questions
• Has anyone ever truly seen your essence?
• Have you ever truly seen theirs?
• Did you fall in love with who they were — or how they made you feel?
• Is your relationship based on projection — or perception?
Closing Reflection
Love based on image is fragile admiration.
Love based on essence is durable intimacy.
Image can attract you to the door.
Only essence can live inside the house.
If you are uncertain whether your relationship is built on essence or image…
That is not a small question.
It is foundational.
This is the work of Relationship Architecture —
clarifying alignment, exposing projection, and designing a marriage rooted in reality, not fantasy.
Private.
Virtual.
Confidential.
— Dr. Leahcim Semaj
Psychologist | Relationship Architect
Semaj MindSpa