Dr. Leahcim Semaj
Psychologist | Author | Social Philosopher | Spiritual Guide | Management Consultant
How to Leave a Lover Without Homicide or Suicide
This May Not Revive the Love. But It Could Save a Life.
There are relationships that should be repaired. There are relationships that can be repaired. And then there are relationships that need to end. The difficulty is that human beings are not particularly good at endings, especially when love, sex, history, children, money, pride, rejection and wounded egos are all mixed together. People sometimes remain in relationships long after the relationship itself has died. The body is still there. The routine is still there. Perhaps they still sleep in the same bed. But emotionally, something important left months or years ago.
Then comes the dangerous period. One person wants out. The other does not. Or both know it is over, but neither quite knows how to leave. That is where Constructive Disengagement becomes important. The objective is not to pretend that breaking up doesn’t hurt. It usually does. Nor am I suggesting that every troubled relationship should end. Some relationships deserve another conversation, counselling, forgiveness and serious rebuilding. But sometimes the healthiest thing two people can do is stop trying to resurrect something that has already died. The question then becomes: How do we leave without destroying ourselves, or each other? That is the purpose of Constructive Disengagement.
First: Don’t Make Major Decisions in the Heat of the Moment
When emotions are running high, intelligence tends to take a holiday. Anger wants action. Rejection wants revenge. Fear wants reassurance. Loneliness wants to call the person at 2:17 in the morning and start the same conversation you have already had six times. Don’t.
Before you speak, write. Write what you are thinking. Write what you are feeling. Write what you would like to say, and then read it tomorrow. I have long believed in the value of Conscious Right Action. We practise the behaviour we want until, eventually, it becomes more natural. The objective is to respond rather than simply react. During this period, think short-term. You don’t need to know what your life will look like five years from now. Sometimes it is enough to decide what you need to do today, this weekend, or during the next month.
And if you are seriously contemplating leaving, stop building elaborate future plans with the person you are thinking of leaving. Don’t book the expensive holiday, start building the dream house or make another major financial commitment while privately wondering whether the relationship will survive Christmas. That is not fair to either of you.
Ask Yourself Some Uncomfortable Questions
One of the most useful questions may also be one of the simplest: If I met this person today, exactly as they are now, would I choose them? Not the person you met ten years ago. Not their potential. Not the person you keep hoping they will become. The person sitting across from you today. Would you choose them? Then ask another question: Can I imagine a satisfying, productive and peaceful life without this person?
If you can, pay attention to that. You might also notice that your emotional and sexual attention has begun moving elsewhere. That doesn’t automatically mean you should leave, and it certainly doesn’t justify betrayal. But it may suggest that emotional disengagement has already begun. The point is not to collect evidence against your partner. It is to become more truthful with yourself. Sometimes we know a relationship has ended long before we are willing to admit it.
Change the Meaning and You May Change the Experience
Psychologists call it cognitive reappraisal or reframing. I simply describe it this way: You may not be able to change what happened, but you can change what you decide it means.
“This relationship failed” is one interpretation.
“This relationship taught me what I need to know for the next stage of my life” is another.
“I’m being abandoned” feels very different from “I’m being released from something that no longer works.”
Neither interpretation changes the facts. But the meaning we attach to events influences how we experience them. This is not positive-thinking foolishness. I am not suggesting that you put icing on pain and call it cake. If it hurts, it hurts. If you were betrayed, acknowledge the betrayal. If you behaved badly, own that too. But after acknowledging reality, ask yourself: What else could this mean?
A breakup may be rejection. It may also be liberation. It may be failure. It may also be feedback. It may be the closing of one door, or the first time in years that you have noticed there are other doors. Language matters because the words we repeatedly use help shape the emotional story we tell ourselves. Instead of saying, “My life is over,” perhaps: “This chapter is over.” That is a very different proposition.
My Seven-Day Exercise
Here is an exercise I have recommended. For seven consecutive days, write down ten reasons why the ending of the relationship may ultimately be beneficial to you. Ten. Every day. Some days you will struggle to find them. Find them anyway. You might write:
I don’t have to walk on eggshells anymore.
I can reconnect with friends I neglected.
I can sleep without wondering where somebody is.
I can rediscover what I actually enjoy doing.
I can stop fighting the same fight every Sunday evening.
The purpose is not to demonize your former partner. In fact, I would discourage that. Someone does not have to become a monster simply because the relationship no longer works. The purpose is to teach your mind to recognize possibility alongside loss. And remember one of my basic principles:
Zero is better than minus.
If a relationship consistently subtracts from your peace, dignity, confidence and emotional health, returning to zero may actually be progress. Zero gives you somewhere to build from.
Accept the Redundancy
This is an analogy from the world of work that may sound strange, but stay with me. Sometimes your position has been made redundant. You didn’t resign. You didn’t necessarily want to leave. The organization simply decided that the position you occupied no longer exists. Relationships can sometimes feel like that. The position of husband, wife, lover, partner or significant other that once gave structure to your life suddenly disappears. That hurts. But consider people who have been made redundant from jobs. At the moment it happens, many believe it is a catastrophe. Two years later, some discover that they built a business, changed careers, went back to school, moved countries or found work that suited them far better.
Would they have chosen the redundancy? Probably not. Did it nevertheless create possibilities? Sometimes, yes. The same may be true of relationships.
Stop Rehearsing Only the Past
After a breakup, the mind loves reruns. What did she mean when she said that?
Why didn’t he call?
What if I had done this differently?
Who is she with now?
Was he lying to me then?
You can spend six months conducting an investigation into a relationship that has already ended. Some reflection is useful. Obsession is not. Replay the past long enough to extract the lesson. Then turn around. Look forward.
I call this Cognitive Reorientation. Instead of constructing ten versions of what might have happened, construct several versions of what could happen next.
What would your life look like if you were peaceful again?
What if you became healthier?
What if you travelled?
What if you rebuilt neglected friendships?
What if you discovered that being alone and being lonely are not the same thing?
What if, eventually, you loved again, but this time with better judgement?
Your mind needs new pictures. Give it some.
Give Yourself 100 Days
Don’t demand instant healing. I prefer something more practical: a 100-Day Plan. For the next 100 days, your assignment is not to find another partner. It is to find yourself. Rebuild routines. Exercise. Sleep properly. Eat like someone who intends to remain alive. Reconnect with people who nourish you. Fix something around the house. Take yourself somewhere. Read. Work. Pray, meditate, sit under a tree, whatever allows you to become quiet enough to hear yourself again.
And don’t try to solve all 100 days at once. Plan the next month. Then the next week. Then today. A life gets rebuilt the same way it sometimes falls apart: one day at a time.
Expect Emotional Weather
You will have good days. Then a bad day will arrive from nowhere. A song. A photograph. A perfume. A restaurant. An empty side of the bed. Suddenly, you are back there. This does not necessarily mean you are “not healing.” Human emotions don’t move in straight lines. There may be days when you feel free and powerful, followed by a morning when you would give almost anything to hear that person’s voice. Expect it. Don’t panic. And, importantly, don’t interpret every wave of loneliness as evidence that you made the wrong decision. Missing somebody does not necessarily mean you should be with them. That distinction can save you a great deal of unnecessary suffering.
Immunize Yourself Against Relapse
Eventually you want to reach a point where the thought of your former partner, perhaps even the thought of them loving someone else, does not produce an overwhelming physical reaction. That may take time. You are not trying to become cold. You are trying to become free. When the negative internal dialogue starts, challenge it.
“I’m alone.” Maybe.
But perhaps: “I now have space in my life.”
“Nobody will ever love me again.” You don’t know that.
“This was my last chance.” According to whom?
The mind can be an unreliable narrator when it is frightened. Question it.
Listen to Your Gut – but Check the Facts
I place considerable value on intuition. Sometimes your subconscious appears to notice patterns before your conscious mind has assembled the evidence. Something feels wrong long before you can explain exactly why. Listen. But intuition is not infallible. Fear can disguise itself as intuition. So can jealousy. So can insecurity. My rule is simple: Listen to your gut. Then check your facts. Head and heart should not be enemies. They should be partners.
Ten Reminders for the Difficult Days
When you are tempted to go backwards simply because forward feels uncomfortable, remind yourself:
1. I know, think, feel and believe that I have the strength to prosper as I go forward.
2. I will grow with the punches and be nourished by what The Universe gives.
3. I accept that the other person has the right to grow in the direction they choose—even when I disagree with that direction.
4. I do not have to question everything, answer everything or react to everything. Sometimes silence is the wiser response.
5. Silence can be a great teacher, but only if I am quiet enough to listen.
6. I will behave like the person I admire and respect.
7. It is unhealthy to keep offering love where love is consistently rejected.
8. I will invest my time and emotional energy in people who genuinely care for me.
9. My head must guide my heart—sound reasoning accompanied by good feelings.
10. I will not spend the rest of my life looking backwards with regret. I will look forward with curiosity and hope.
The Real Art of Letting Go
I have lived long enough to know that not everything that ends was a mistake. Some relationships belong to a particular season of our lives. They teach us. They accompany us. They awaken parts of us. Sometimes they wound us. And sometimes they simply run their course. We make a serious mistake when we believe that because something was once good, it must remain good forever. People change. Needs change. Circumstances change. We change.
Constructive Disengagement is not about winning the breakup. There should be no winner. It is about leaving with as much dignity, intelligence and humanity as the circumstances allow.
No revenge.
No stalking.
No public humiliation.
No destroying somebody because they no longer choose you.
And certainly no homicide or suicide.
If the relationship is over, let the relationship be over.
Take the lessons.
Take responsibility for your part.
Take whatever wisdom you earned.
And then take your life forward.
I have always liked this distinction: Knowledge is learning something new every day. Wisdom is letting go of something every day. Sometimes what we need to let go of is an idea. Sometimes an expectation. Sometimes resentment. And sometimes, painful as it may be, another human being. You do not know everything waiting for you on the other side of this ending. That is precisely the point. Zero is better than minus. Start again. Build again. Love again, if and when you are ready.
And remember:
The Best is Yet to Come.
Dr. Leahcim Semaj
Transformational Psychologist | Author | Social Philosopher | Management Consultant
What are your thoughts?
Have you ever had to constructively disengage from a relationship that you knew was no longer right for you?
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