What happens when a man learns to hide his pain – and how we can help him find another way.

By Dr. Leahcim Semaj | The Semaj MindSpa

Ask a Jamaican man how he is doing and you may receive an answer before you finish the question.

“Mi alright.” He may have lost his job. His relationship may be falling apart. He may be grieving someone whose name he still cannot mention without feeling his throat tighten. But he is “alright.” He goes to work. Pays what he can. Makes a joke. Finds something to do. And the people around him assume that functioning means he is coping. Sometimes it does. Sometimes functioning is simply how he keeps his pain out of sight.

The title of this article is deliberately provocative. Jamaican men do cry. Many speak openly, seek support and build emotionally honest relationships. Yet too many boys still receive the message that becoming a man means learning to conceal whatever hurts.

“Big boys don’t cry.” “Man up.” “Stop behaving like a little girl.” Before that boy understands his feelings, he learns which ones will cost him respect. He may discover that anger attracts less ridicule than sadness. Silence feels safer than confession. Being useful earns approval. Years later, the boy becomes a man who can carry enormous responsibility but struggles to say three ordinary words: “I need help.” For some men, three escape routes become familiar: drinking, working and disappearing.

The First Escape Route: He Drinks

A drink can be part of celebration, friendship or relaxation. The question here is what happens when drinking becomes a man’s main way of avoiding what he feels. “I need something to take the edge off.” “I don’t want to think about it.” “Let me have a drink first.” What is waiting beneath that edge? Perhaps humiliation after losing a job. Fear about money. Loneliness within a marriage. Grief that everybody else assumes has passed.

Sometimes the drinking space also offers something valuable: company. A man can arrive troubled, sit among friends and belong without explaining himself. That helps us understand its appeal. It also reveals an opportunity. What if the friendship made room for more than drinking, jokes and arguments about sport? What if somebody asked, “My brother, how are you really managing?” – and allowed the answer to remain serious?

Some men speak most honestly after a few drinks. They admit that they miss their mother, that the separation hurt, or that they feel lost. The following morning, everybody dismisses it. “A the rum talking.” But perhaps the rum merely loosened the words. The pain belonged to the man. A man deserves somewhere to speak before he needs a drink to make speaking possible.

The Second Escape Route: He Works

This escape route often receives applause. “He is a hard worker.” “He never stops.” “You can always depend on him.” Let us be fair: many men work long hours because their circumstances demand it. Food, housing, school fees and transport require money. Financial pressure is real. But work can also become a hiding place.

There is always another assignment, another business idea, another repair. Anything that postpones the conversation – or the quiet. At work, he knows what success looks like. The task gets completed. The customer pays. The problem gets solved. At home, somebody asks, “What is happening between us?” He has no ready answer. Many boys learn that a man’s value lies in what he provides. That lesson can encourage responsibility. But when provision becomes his entire identity, what happens when he cannot provide as he once did? Who is he after redundancy? During illness? After retirement? Does he believe he still deserves love when somebody else must carry him?

His employer gets his energy. His family gets his income. Everybody gets his effort. Yet the man himself may remain unknown. Providing for your family is an act of love. Allowing them to know you is another. Being present requires more than arriving home. Sometimes it means sitting down and admitting, “I have been keeping busy because I don’t know how to talk about this.”

The Third Escape Route: He Disappears

Some men disappear physically. Calls go unanswered. Visits become infrequent. Relationships are left without explanation. Others remain under the same roof. You see them every day, but reaching them becomes increasingly difficult.

“How was your day?” “Fine.”

“Is something wrong?” “No.”

Eventually, people stop asking. For some men, withdrawal began as protection. Speaking brought ridicule. Admitting fear brought punishment. A confidence became public knowledge. Difficult conversations ended in shouting. Leaving the room became the safest response.

For others, disappearance follows shame. He cannot bear to explain the failed business, face his children after the separation, or admit how overwhelmed he feels. So he avoids the people who might offer support. Understanding this does not remove responsibility. Children still need their father. Partners still deserve communication. Absence causes pain. But understanding can help us begin a useful conversation: “I want to know what you are going through. We also need to talk about what your absence is doing.” Both deserve attention.

What Did the Men Who Found a Way Through Do Differently?

There is no single recovery story. Some men need professional support. Some must address harmful drinking. Others need to repair relationships, confront financial problems or learn emotional skills they were never taught. But a turning point can begin with a small act of honesty. They allowed somebody to know

“I am struggling.”

“The breakup hurt more than I admitted.”

“I have been avoiding everybody.”

“I need help.”

The first conversation does not need to explain an entire life. It needs to open a door. Choose someone who can listen respectfully, protect your privacy and help you consider a next step.

They became more specific about their feelings

“Stress” can conceal many things.

Fear. Grief. Rejection. Loneliness. Shame.

Naming a feeling gives the conversation somewhere to go.

“I feel ashamed about the debt” creates a different opening from “Leave me alone.”

You can begin while your words are still clumsy.

They took action that matched the problem

An honest conversation matters. So does what follows. Make the appointment. Discuss the debt. Address the drinking. Return the call. Apologise to the child. Ask for help with the conversation you keep avoiding. Change becomes more believable when it enters daily behaviour.

They practised receiving care

Some men can give generously and feel uncomfortable receiving anything. But friendship and family life need room for reciprocity. You matter when you are tired. You matter when you need help. You matter even when you cannot solve the problem.

A Call to the Women Around Them

Some women have spent years trying to reach a man who will not speak. Their exhaustion deserves recognition. You cannot force another adult to become emotionally available. You do not have to accept mistreatment to demonstrate compassion. But when a man does risk an honest disclosure, handle it carefully. Do not ridicule his tears, share his confidence for entertainment, or use his vulnerability as ammunition in a later argument.

Ask: “Would you like me to listen, or would you like us to think through what to do?”

Care and boundaries can exist together: “I care about what you are experiencing. We also need to address how you have been treating me.”

A Call to the Fathers

Your sons need examples they can use when life becomes difficult. Let them see a man apologise, name disappointment, ask for support and remain responsible. When your son cries, stay curious.

“What happened?”

“What are you feeling?”

“What do you need?”

And let him hear you answer those questions about yourself. A boy who sees his father handle pain honestly has another possibility available when his own difficult day arrives.

A Call to the Friends

Go beyond “Everything good?” Try: “You have been quiet lately. How are you really doing?” If he answers honestly, resist the urge to rescue the moment with a joke. Listen. Check on him again. Help him take a practical next step. Friendship can make room for dominoes, laughter and truth.

A MindSpa Reflection

To the man reading this: perhaps you have been praised all your life for how much you can carry. That praise may have made it difficult to admit when the load became too heavy. This week, choose one person. Tell them one true thing you have been hiding. Take one action that helps you face it. To those around him: make honesty something he can return to. You deserve to be known beyond your usefulness. Let us raise boys – and welcome men – who can feel deeply, speak honestly and remain present. The best is yet to come. You deserve to be present for it.

Dr. Leahcim Semaj is a Transformational Psychologist and creator of The Semaj MindSpa.

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